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Postby m8tey » Wed Jan 24, 2007 11:11 pm

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday, when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the Child Custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the Judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Cricket Team, who the boy firmly believes are "not capable of beating anyone".
TRY IT YOU MIGHT LIKE IT
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Postby snickersneeze » Wed Jan 24, 2007 11:44 pm

a little girl goes into a pet shop and asks the assistant for a rabbit.
The assistant smiles and says
''do you want a black rabbit with white ears, a white rabbit with black paws or a lovely fluffy grey rabbit?''

the little girl blushes rocks on her heels and replies

''i don;t think my python gives a fork''
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Postby Caz » Thu Jan 25, 2007 12:07 am

How can you tell when a blonde's been using your PC?






By the tippex on the screen! :lol:
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Postby Tomas Drouty » Thu Jan 25, 2007 12:15 am

and....


there's a bowl of rodent food and a water bottle been placed next to your mouse.
Image
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Postby Jacqualine » Thu Jan 25, 2007 12:18 am

After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, the airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilot: Something loose in cockpit.
Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.

Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level.

Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Engineers: That's what friction locks are for.

Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.
Engineers: Suspect you're right.

Pilot: Number 3 engine missing.
Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilot: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilot: Target radar hums.
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilot: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineers: Cat installed.

Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Engineers: Took hammer away from midget
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Postby Digger » Thu Jan 25, 2007 9:31 pm

A Scotsman, an Italian, and an Irishman are in a bar.

They are having a good time and all agree that the bar
is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I
come from, back in Glasgee, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, ye buy
a drink, ye buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy yir third
drink!" The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the Italian says, "Yeah, dat's a nice bar, but where I come
from,dere's a better one. In Roma, dere's dis place, Vincenzo's. At
Vincenzo's, you buy a drink, Vincenzo buys you adrink. You buy anudda rink, Vincenzo buys you anudda drink." Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You tink dat's great? Where Oi come from in
Dublin, dere's dis place called Morphy's. At Morphy's, they boy you your
first drink, dey boy you your second drink, den dey boy you your tird drink, and den, after all dat, dey take you in de back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," says the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!
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Postby whitevanman » Sun Jan 28, 2007 9:20 pm

A minister visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Do you mind if I have a few?" he asks. "No, not at all, help yourself," says the little old lady. They chat away for an hour or so, and as the minister stands up to leave, he notices to his horror that instead of eating just a few peanuts as he had intended, he has emptied the entire bowl while they were talking. "I'm so terribly sorry for eating all of your peanuts," he apologizes. "Oh, that's all right," says the little old lady. "I'm glad you can still enjoy them. Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."
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Postby Digger » Mon Jan 29, 2007 9:34 am

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.

As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working
cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay,
doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and
feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As
soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I
think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think
about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of
women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old
cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a
lesbian."
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Postby Caz » Mon Jan 29, 2007 12:15 pm

:lol:
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Postby PUD » Mon Jan 29, 2007 12:22 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:
If it's stupid but works,
it isn't stupid.
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Postby whitevanman » Mon Jan 29, 2007 10:57 pm

Fed up of getting a "menu" every time you make a phone call, try this one :D

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.
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Postby Digger » Tue Jan 30, 2007 9:50 am

Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila, about to throw herself off.

Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think
you're doing?".

Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."

Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says "Strewth
Sheila.....Not only are you great in bed, but you're a real sport too." and
drives off.
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Postby m8tey » Thu Feb 15, 2007 9:05 pm

What is it with women? For Valentine's day I bought my wife a new bag AND a belt...

...and even though the vacuum cleaner now works perfectly, she's not speaking to me! :cry:
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Postby Magic » Thu Feb 15, 2007 9:13 pm

:| It's a good job you posted that in the jokes thread :shock:
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Postby PUD » Thu Feb 15, 2007 9:54 pm

m8tey wrote:What is it with women? For Valentine's day I bought my wife a new bag AND a belt...

...and even though the vacuum cleaner now works perfectly, she's not speaking to me! :cry:



:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
If it's stupid but works,
it isn't stupid.
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