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Postby loftyhermes » Tue Jan 09, 2007 12:09 pm

Blind pilots

50 Passengers are sat on a plane waiting to depart for there trip.

Two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke, but none is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realise they're headed straight for the water at the end of the runway.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, John, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
Me slow??? I get up in the morning with nothing to do and go to bed at night with half of it done.
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Postby Digger » Wed Jan 10, 2007 12:11 am

In line with the current "idea of heaven" thread........



A woman goes to the doctor:
Dr : "What seems to be the problem?"
Woman : "Well Doctor, it's rather embarrasing - I can't stop passing wind"
Dr : "I see"
Woman : "And the strange thing is, they don't smell and they don't make any noise. In fact, whilst I've been sat here talking to you, I've done about 20"
Dr : "I'll write you out a prescription, take these tablets for a week and
come back and see me".
After a week the woman returns.
Dr : "Well how have you got on with the tablets?"
Woman : "I have to say Doctor that they've done nothing, in fact they've
made it worse - they've started smelling".
Dr : "Good, that's the sinus problem sorted out, now we'll look at curing
you're hearing problem."
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Nelson Mandela

Postby loftyhermes » Thu Jan 11, 2007 6:10 pm

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door.
When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You sign You sign " Nelson says to him, "Look my friend, you've obviously got the wrong guy. Please go away" and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign " Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, push off You've got the wrong bloke I don't want them "Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting and late in the afternoon he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign "Behind him are two very large trucks full of car parts.
This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand?”
You must have the wrong name. Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard,
and says:




(It's a beauty)





(Wait for it)







YOU NOT NISSAN MAINDEALER ??
Me slow??? I get up in the morning with nothing to do and go to bed at night with half of it done.
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Postby Rossi » Thu Jan 11, 2007 6:28 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Postby Caz » Thu Jan 11, 2007 6:52 pm

:lol: :lol:

And, must tell Dan's girlfriend the pilot one. Her dad's a BA pilot.
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Postby Digger » Thu Jan 11, 2007 10:59 pm

Patrick and Clancy are walking down the street, and they see a sign
on a store which reads, "Suits £5.00 each, shirts £2.00 each, trousers
£2.50 each. Clancy says to his pal, "Paddy, Look here! We could buy
a whole gob of these, take'em back to Killarney, sell 'em to our
friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they
hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell
that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow English accent so's they don't
know we is from Ireland."

They go in and Clancy says with his best fake English accent, "I'll take 50
of them suits at £5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at £2.00 each,
50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my van
and....."

"The owner of the shop interrupts, "You’re Irish aren’t you?"

"Well...yeah," says a surprised Clancy... "How come you Knew that?"

"Because this is a dry-cleaners."
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Postby Caz » Fri Jan 12, 2007 1:22 am

:lol: :lol:
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Postby La Fiama » Sat Jan 13, 2007 1:44 pm

Mr Mustardy was asking children in his class what there father did for a living

Paul..... My Dads an engineer
Simon.... My Dads a Train Driver

After he had been around the class he realised one lad hadn't answered the question, so Mark, you haven't said what your Dad does

Well Sir he takes his clothes off at Gaynight clubs and sometimes goes back to hotels with some of men

Oh I see said Mr Mustardy, the bell went and the class left but Mr Mustardy called Mark back

Sorry Mark he said if I had known that I would never have asked you

That's okay Sir said Mark my Dad doesn't really do that for a living, he actually a member of the England Cricket team but I was to embarrassed say so :lol: :lol:
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Postby Digger » Sun Jan 14, 2007 5:20 pm

An elderly man goes into a house in a red light district and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.

Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. "I'm 90 years old," he says. "90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've
had it?"

"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"
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Postby Digger » Fri Jan 19, 2007 11:11 pm

MOD ansaphone message :-

Thank you for calling the British Army. I'm sorry, but all our units are out
at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organization, the region, the specific crisis and a number at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out Kosovo, Bosnia, Macedonia, Serbia, Iraq, Afghanistan, Northern Ireland, Sierra Leone, the Congo, marching up and down bits of tarmac in London and compulsory health and safety at work training, we will return your call. Please speak after the tone or, if you require more options, listen to the following numbers:

A. If your crisis is small and close to the sea, press 1 for the Royal
Marines.

B: If your concern is distant, with a tropical climate, good hotels and can
be solved by one or two low-risk bombing runs, please press 2 for the Royal Air Force. (Please note that this service is not available after 1630 or at weekends.)

C:. If your enquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a warship, some bunting, flags, a damn good cocktail party and a first class marching band please write, well in advance, to the First Sea Lord, The Royal Navy, Whitehall, London SW1.

If you are interested in joining the Army (please, please, please do, although retention is fine and we are right up to strength) and wish to be liberalised yet paradoxically paid little, have premature arthritis, put your wife and family (or gay lover) in a condemned hut miles from civilisation, and are prepared to work your balls off day and night whilst watching the Treasury eroding your original terms and conditions and promising a better pension, serving mainly in sandy climes, whilst picking up rubbish and putting out house fires all over the UK, while fireman and binmen have a little holiday, then please stay on the line. Your call will shortly be passed on to a bitter, passed-over Recruiting Sergeant in a horrendously fronted, yet grotty little office down by the railway station.

Have a nice day and thank you again for trying to contact The British Army
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Postby Jacqualine » Fri Jan 19, 2007 11:55 pm

A Little girl and boy attended the same school and became good friends.Everyday
they sat to-gether to eat their lunch,they both always brought ckicken sandwhiches,this went on each day for a long time,until one day he noticed she wasn't having chicken anymore,he asked "Dont you like chicken anymore''she said I love it but I have had to stop eating it'' 'Why he asked'
she pointed down and said '' Iam starting to grow little feathers down there'' ''Let me see' he asked,''Okay'and she pulled up her skirt,he said ''thats right you are,you best not eat anymore chicken'' He kept eating chicken until he brought
peanut butter,he told his friend that he had started growing litle feathers down there also,she asked if she could have a look so he pulled down his pants for her,
MY GOD SHE SAID,YOU STOPPED TO LATE YOU HAVE ALREADY GOT THE NECK AND GIZZARDS.
It's nice to be Important, but Important to be nice.
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Postby Jacqualine » Sat Jan 20, 2007 12:09 am

Why parents have grey hair?




A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished
to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.
Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow.
It was addressed, "Dad"
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope
and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had
to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to
avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is
so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her
piercing, tattoos,her tight motorcycle clothes and because she
is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's
pregnant. Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a
trailer in the woods.

She has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana
doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading
it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy
we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure
for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how
to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to
visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son,

Chad.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.

I'm over at Tommy's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse
things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
It's nice to be Important, but Important to be nice.
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Postby Digger » Sat Jan 20, 2007 6:36 pm

A man goes into a restaurant, sits down at a table and, when the waitress asks for his order, says, "I want a quickie."

She slaps his face and asks, "Now would you please give me your order?"

Again, he says, "I want a quickie."

She slaps him again and says, "I'll give you one last chance; what do you want?"

Someone from the next table leans over and says quietly to the man,
"I think it's pronounced QUICHE..."
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Postby m8tey » Sat Jan 20, 2007 8:59 pm

An elderly couple go to the hospital so the old man can have a chech up. The nurse says we will need a urine sample, a sperm sample and a stool sample. the old man says eh! pardon. The old lady shouts she wants your underpants.
TRY IT YOU MIGHT LIKE IT
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Postby Digger » Sat Jan 20, 2007 10:15 pm

A boss was determined not to hire an Irishman, so he decided to set
a test for Murphy, hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the
questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an
argument.

The first question was, 'Without using numbers, represent the
number 9.'
So Murphy say's, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.

The boss says, "What the hell's that?"

Murphy says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine."

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Second question, same rules, but
represent 99."

Murphy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each
tree.

"Der ya go sir," he says.
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that
to represent 99?"

Murphy says, "Each trees dirty now! So it's dirty tree, 'n dirty
tree, 'n dirty tree, dat's 99"

The boss is getting worried he's' going to have to hire Murphy, so
he says "All right, question three. Same rules again, but represent
the Number 100."

Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts, "Got it!" He makes
a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "There ya go sir,
100."

The boss looks at Murphy's attempt and thinks, "Ha! Got him this
time."
"Go on Murphy, you must be mad if you think that represents a
hundred!"

Murphy leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and
says, "A little dog comes along and poos by each tree, so now
you've got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a
turd, which makes one hundred. When do I start me job?"
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