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Postby Digger » Thu Nov 23, 2006 11:15 pm

Two Scots, Angus and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.
"Ach, it's all going grand," says Jock. "I've got everything
organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night...
Angus nods approvingly.
"Havens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.
"A kilt?" exclaims Angus, "That's braw, you'll look pure smart in that!
"And what's the tartan?" Angus then enquires.
"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..."
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Postby Caz » Fri Nov 24, 2006 12:02 am

:lol: :lol:
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Postby loftyhermes » Sun Nov 26, 2006 5:19 pm

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the > > "Chicken Surprise."

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"My word! Did you see that?" she asks her husband. He didn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.

He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Prease sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."







You're going to love this..................








You're going to hate yourself for loving this!







You will......








Honest .........







"Ah! So solly," says the waiter, "I make mistake. I bling you Peeking Duck!"
Me slow??? I get up in the morning with nothing to do and go to bed at night with half of it done.
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Postby Rossi » Sun Nov 26, 2006 6:54 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Postby m8tey » Fri Dec 01, 2006 9:36 pm

1,Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

2, A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

3, Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"

4, Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

5, Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!".
TRY IT YOU MIGHT LIKE IT
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Postby Digger » Fri Dec 01, 2006 10:12 pm

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly
Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all
those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock move."
Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's",
replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never
told a lie."

Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Tony Blair's clock?" asked the man.
"Blair's clock is in God's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
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Postby m8tey » Sat Dec 02, 2006 9:01 pm

In the middle of an argument a man said to his wife, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time!"

The wife responded calmly, "Allow me to explain...the good Lord made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; and he made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!" #-o
TRY IT YOU MIGHT LIKE IT
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Postby Caz » Sat Dec 02, 2006 11:49 pm

:lol: :lol:
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Postby La Fiama » Sun Dec 03, 2006 12:00 am

How do you get a doctor to prescribe Viagara?

Just show him a picture of the wife
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Postby Digger » Sun Dec 03, 2006 10:59 pm

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know the one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man.

He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
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Postby conkerking » Mon Dec 04, 2006 7:38 pm

Woman is sitting in bed reading a book. Husband walks in with a sheep under his arm.
Husband says "Look, this is the pig I sleep with when you have a headache".
Wife looks up and says "I think you'll find that's a sheep".
Husband says "I was talking to the sheep."
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Postby Digger » Mon Dec 04, 2006 10:02 pm

During a visit to an asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
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Postby Caz » Wed Dec 06, 2006 3:29 am

Not exactly a joke, although working with Gaz is sometimes one big joke as some of you will have read before, as he say's the daftest things. On the radio today was additional news about the two kids who died in Corfu of CO poisoning, but Gaz didn't quite hear the beginning of it:

Gaz said, 'Oh two kids have died of carbon monoxide poisoning'.
So I said, 'yes in Corfu'.
'Oh', says he, 'I thought they just said it was carbon monoxide poisoning.'
'They did' say's Julie.
Say's Gaz - 'but Carol just said they caught flu!'

We could do nothing but roll about laughing. I sometimes wonder how we get through the day!! :lol:
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Postby Digger » Wed Dec 06, 2006 8:05 pm

A bloke takes his spaniel into the vets and the dog is in a bad way. He
carries it in and carefully places the animal onto the vets desk
"Save my dog" he says "It would break my heart to see him go"
So the vet checks out the dog. He lifts the tail, checks it's temperature,
listens to the heart, lifts up an eyelid and says
"Sorry pal, he's had it. The fairest thing to do would be to put him to
sleep".

"I can't", says the bloke, "I want an second opinion!"
So, the vet opens the door and a black Labrador walks in. The vet says
"Towser", for that was the Labrador's name, "Check out the spaniel and let me know what you think.


So Towser smells the spaniels breath, listens to the heart, lifts up an
eyelid and after sighing deeply, draws his paw across his neck.

"I want a THIRD opinion", says the bloke, obviously distressed but he
doesn't want to let go.

So the Vet opens the door and a Tiddles the Tabby walks in. The vet says
"Check out the spaniel and let me know what you think".


Same deal, the cat walks around the back, lifts the spaniel's tail,
listens to the heart, lifts up an eyelid and pronounces him a gonner-to-be
by drawing his paw across his neck.

The vet says "Putting him to sleep would be the best thing to do. You've
had three opinions and we all agree"
"OK" says the bloke "but make it quick", he blubbers.

10 minutes later the deed is done and the vet comes out with a bill for
£500

"FIVE HUNDRED QUID!" shrieks the bloke "for you to put my spaniel to
sleep?!?"

"No" says the vet "I only cost fifty quid, but you're paying 200 for a
Lab-report and 250 for the CAT scan!!
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Postby La Fiama » Sat Dec 16, 2006 9:51 pm

Santa has been banned from all shops on Elf and Safety issues :lol:
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