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Re: Jokes

Postby mal Holland » Fri Jan 06, 2012 8:07 am

Jacquie, a blonde Essex girl, marries a dairy farmer.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Jacquie, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 4 by 2 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"
So then the farmer leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Jacquie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one...right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy Essex blonde, the man asks, "Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"
That's simple. By the nail over its stall", Jacquie explains very confidently...
Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, "I guess it's to hang your trousers on...”
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Re: Jokes

Postby whitevanman » Fri Jan 06, 2012 2:26 pm

I see the new Margaret Thatcher film as been given a 12A classification.

Does this mean it is unsuitable for miners
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Re: Jokes

Postby Caz » Fri Jan 13, 2012 8:16 pm

:lol:
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Re: Jokes

Postby Caz » Fri Jan 13, 2012 8:16 pm

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks ... "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.
She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
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Re: Jokes

Postby mal Holland » Fri Jan 13, 2012 11:24 pm

The Black Bra. (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress; and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels, and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. . .
Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over, he found me in a black leather bodice, tall stilettoes and a mask.
When he saw me he said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat. Under it only the black bra, heels and the mask
Over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
Black stockings, stilettoes, and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,




(you're going to love this . . . . .







"What's for dinner, Zorro?"
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Re: Jokes

Postby boristech » Sat Jan 14, 2012 10:14 pm

How do you make a pirate angry?
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Re: Jokes

Postby boristech » Sat Jan 14, 2012 10:16 pm

I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so I quickly followed her.

As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus.

So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"

She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too.

As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, "You dropped your purse on the floor outside McDonald's."

"Thank you so much" she said, "Where is it?"

I said, "I've just told you, on the floor outside McDonald's."
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Re: Jokes

Postby boristech » Sat Jan 14, 2012 10:22 pm

My wife asked me today,
"Can I go on top tonight then Tony?", she winked.
"No way", I said.
"The bunkbeds were my idea."
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Re: Jokes

Postby mal Holland » Wed Jan 18, 2012 10:52 pm

Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is?

Well here it is:

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a morning available when he would take his 7-year old granddaughter for a drive
in the car for some bonding time - just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and just wanted to stay in bed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she
would take their granddaughter out in the car.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see how her Grandfather was.

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?'

'Great, Grandpa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single tosser, blind b|_|_|_|ard, dick-head or w|_|_|_|er anywhere today!'

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
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Re: Jokes

Postby whitevanman » Thu Jan 19, 2012 8:56 pm

His teacher asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV ads, just to make conversation. Johnny, if you found a couple of pounds and had to spend them, what would you buy?”
“A box of Tampax,” he replied without hesitation.
“Tampax?” said the doctor. “What would you do with that?”
“Well,” said Johnny, “I don't know exactly, but it’s sure worth two pounds.
With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to.”
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Re: Jokes

Postby loftyhermes » Sat Jan 21, 2012 12:09 pm

An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little maths test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Have you ain't got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along and poop by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"
Me slow??? I get up in the morning with nothing to do and go to bed at night with half of it done.
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Re: Jokes

Postby mal Holland » Thu Jan 26, 2012 11:03 pm

THE TAXMAN COMETH





At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the rabbi, and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'


'Good question,' noted the rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'


'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.


But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

'What about all this bread that you purchase? What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes,' replied the wise old rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread.'

'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi...

'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.'
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Re: Jokes

Postby BigAl » Tue Feb 07, 2012 7:01 pm

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was p|_|_|_|ed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is, until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty, and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
Screw the padded room, give me a trampoline floor with bubble wrapped walls and a velcro ceiling.
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Re: Jokes

Postby mal Holland » Tue Feb 14, 2012 8:57 am

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
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Re: Jokes

Postby loftyhermes » Thu Mar 08, 2012 4:23 pm

My wife told me to go to the doctors to get some of those tablets that give you an erection. You should have seen the look on her face when I came back and tossed her a bottle of slimming pills.
Me slow??? I get up in the morning with nothing to do and go to bed at night with half of it done.
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