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Re: Jokes

Postby mal Holland » Mon Aug 08, 2011 3:09 am

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Liverpool in the early hours of Tuesday with its epicenter in Everton .

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage.
Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair.
Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.
Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.

Liverpool FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Anfield .

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said,
"It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying.
My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all.
I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning."

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.



HOW CAN YOU HELP ?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:

Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include:

Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
Ice cream
Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.


22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9
£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.


**Breaking news**


Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop.

"Where are you bleeding from?" they asked,
"Knotty Ash" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?"

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Merseyside - oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Nottingham89 » Fri Aug 19, 2011 5:35 pm

I see the guy's that torched the DFS store have received a stiff £5,000 fine each

Luckily they pay nothing for 12 months then get 3 years interest free credit..............
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Re: Jokes

Postby loftyhermes » Fri Aug 19, 2011 5:46 pm

Apparently the rioting has spread to Ireland, Paddy smashed his laptop screen try to loot ebay.
Me slow??? I get up in the morning with nothing to do and go to bed at night with half of it done.
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Re: Jokes

Postby SeanJ » Sat Aug 27, 2011 8:24 am

Here is another joke and hope you guys will really enjoy reading it..!!

"A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the
hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death
experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you
have another 43 years, two months and eight days to live." Upon
recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift,
liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she
figured she might as well look even nicer. After her last operation, she
was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way
home, an ambulance killed her. Arriving in front of God, she demanded,
"I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of
the path of that ambulance?" God replied, "Girl, I didn't recognize you.. " :D :D
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Re: Jokes

Postby whitevanman » Sat Aug 27, 2011 3:16 pm

Seen a sign on a toilet door that made me **** myself today.

"Out of order"
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Re: Jokes

Postby BigAl » Sat Aug 27, 2011 8:07 pm

A lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide. The pharmacist asked, "Why?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist said 'Lord have mercy! that's against the law! Absolutely not!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription.
:D :D
Screw the padded room, give me a trampoline floor with bubble wrapped walls and a velcro ceiling.
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Re: Jokes

Postby whitevanman » Tue Sep 20, 2011 7:31 pm

Walking over the Carrs the other day and i spotted a Mansfield Town season ticket nailed to a tree
I thought to myself, i've got to have that....................................you can never have enough nails.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Digger » Fri Oct 21, 2011 8:17 pm

Hey!.....
I wish I was fishing
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Re: Jokes

Postby Caz » Sat Oct 22, 2011 10:15 pm

:lol:
Mrs Warsop Web, Warsop born and bred!
http://www.warsopweb.co.uk
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Re: Jokes

Postby mal Holland » Sun Oct 23, 2011 3:36 am

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favour of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.



The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the milkman dead on the porch.
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Re: Jokes

Postby mal Holland » Sun Oct 23, 2011 3:47 am

So much has changed in the last 65 years

When i was a boy, my mum would send me down to the corner store with one pound,
i would return with 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk,
a hunk of cheese, a box of tea, and six eggs.
You can't do that now because there are too many security cameras,
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Re: Jokes

Postby whitevanman » Wed Nov 09, 2011 9:18 pm

Police suspect foul play in the death of Joe Frazier.They're currently grilling George Foreman.
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Re: Jokes

Postby whitevanman » Wed Nov 09, 2011 9:20 pm

One day a man was eating dinner at his girlfriend’s parents. The dog was under his chair and it barked while he was holding in a fart; this startled the man and caused him to rip a small fart. The mom said, "Fido!", since the dog was receiving the blame he decided to rip a huge one, again the mother said, "Fido! Go Away!” Seeing as the dog was continuing to receive the blame he let out a wet, loud, and deafening fart. Then his girlfriend said, “Fido, you heard mom, leave before he s**ts on you!"
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Re: Jokes

Postby whitevanman » Wed Nov 09, 2011 9:22 pm

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick.
It's great though.
It does everything - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.."
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Re: Jokes

Postby whitevanman » Wed Nov 09, 2011 9:23 pm

My small grandson got lost at the shopping centre.

He approached a uniformed security guard and said,

"I've lost my granddad!"


The guard asked, "What's he like?"



The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,



"Gin and tonic and women with big t*t*."
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