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Jokes

Postby La Fiama » Wed Mar 08, 2006 9:41 pm

A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "13.......13.......13.........13" the man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned '14.........14.........14.......14.'
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Postby Caz » Thu Mar 09, 2006 12:21 am

What does DNA stand for?
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Postby Caz » Sat Mar 11, 2006 12:04 am

You are supposed to give me an answer to this! Come on you lot!

What does DNA stand for?
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Postby Tomas Drouty » Sat Mar 11, 2006 12:56 am

Dynamic Nucleic Acid
Don't Need Apples
Do Not Aggrevate
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Postby Caz » Sat Mar 11, 2006 12:59 am

Doh, you're supposed to have said - Deoxyribo Neucleic Acid - then my reply would have been

National Dyslexic Association
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Postby La Fiama » Sat Mar 11, 2006 5:25 pm

This one might be a bit near the knuckle but here goes

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 130 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 110 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Wauwa, it was wousy."
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Postby Caz » Sat Mar 11, 2006 6:58 pm

:lol: Oh, Adrian! :lol:

I thought mine was a bit bold - making fun of dyslexia, although someone who's dyslexic told me it.
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Postby La Fiama » Sat Mar 11, 2006 7:09 pm

Computer acronyms list
Humorous Computer-Related Acronyms

IBM

I Blame Microsoft

Idiots Buy Me

Idiots Building Machines

I'll Buy Macintoshes

It Bit Me

It Built Microsoft

It's Better Manually

I've Been Mislead

I've Been Mugged

WINDOWS

Well, It Never Does Operate With Speed

When I Need Data Output Without Speed

While Idle, Needs DX or WorkStation

Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

WIN

Whoppingly Immense NOP

Worm Infestation Netware

MS-WINDOWS NT / WINDOWS NT

My Solitaire With Its New De-accelerator, Only With Some Network Technology

Well Intended, Netword De-accelerator, Only Works Sometimes, Never Totally

WINDOWS (as a) Network Trojan

Different Operating Systems Expectations

Macintosh: What You See Is What You Get

MS-DOS: You Asked For It, You Got It

UNIX: IfUHv2sk, UDntWnt2Kno

VMS: You Got It, All Of It, Want It Or Not

Random Abbreviations for Many Computer Companies

APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

DEC: Dump Everything and Close

DEC: Do Expect Cuts

HCL: Hilarious Computer Logic

HP: Hot Pursuit

IBM: I Blame Microsoft

MAC: Most Absurd Computer

MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

NEXT: Now EXchange for Trash

OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too.

WARP: What A Rot Program

Acronymns for Other Computer Terms:

AMIGA: A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction

BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

DOS: Defective Operating System

ISDN: It Still Does Nothing

LISP: Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis

MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

PENTIUM: Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics

SCSI: System Can't See It
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Postby GinnieG » Sat Mar 11, 2006 7:38 pm

Dear Caz,
Now i can take the jokes about dyslexia. Before I got the diagnose life was really something bad. I got the info too late to really do something about it. I hope the teachers are more observant today. Today it is most friends on the net that have to bear with my type of spelling.
SO: no hurt feelings!
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Postby Caz » Sat Mar 11, 2006 8:07 pm

Ginnie - I'm glad you didn't take offence. I did think of you when I wrote it but I think being rational people we are all able to laugh at ourselves. My daughter's boyfriend told me that one. He's really bad with words.

Recognising dyslexia at an early age is the only way to help with the problem, but it isn't always obvious when children are very young.
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Postby La Fiama » Wed Mar 15, 2006 6:11 pm

Three creatures were talking about the best way to scare people, the lion said , all I have to do is roar and people fear me, the dog said all I have to do is bark and growl and people fear me, the chicken said all I have to do is cough and people are terrified of me :lol:
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jokes

Postby La Fiama » Thu Apr 13, 2006 9:57 pm

I recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that I could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
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Baptism

Postby loftyhermes » Fri Apr 14, 2006 2:56 pm

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus." The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?" The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus." By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?" The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Me slow??? I get up in the morning with nothing to do and go to bed at night with half of it done.
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Postby whitevanman » Tue May 09, 2006 1:42 pm

A man was walking along a Californian beach deep in prayer.
all of a sudden he said out loud "Lord, please grant me one wish"

Suddenly the sky clouded over above his head and in a booming voice the lord said "Because you have tried your best to be faithful to me in all your ways i will grant you ONE wish.

The man said "Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so i can drive over there anytime i want to"

The Lord said "Your request is hugely materialistic, besides, think of the logistics of the undertaking. The supports would have to reach to the bottom of the Pacific, the deepest ocean in the world. There would not be enough concrete and steel on the planet to carry this out. I could do it but it would be hard for me to justify such a large undertaking. I suggest you take a little more time and think of another wish that you may think that will honour me"

The man thought for a long time and finally he said "Lord, i wish that i could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why do they cry, what do they mean when they say 'nothing' and how can i make a woman truly happy"

The Lord thought for a few minutes and then said....







"Do you want 2 lanes or 4 on that bridge"
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Postby Jacqualine » Tue May 09, 2006 10:47 pm

Wise cooking advice
This weekend, I discovered a cooking tip I haven't seen listed in any cookbooks.

While you are preparing the food, and after the guests have arrived, you contrive to fill the house up with smoke, preferably enough to get at least two smoke detectors going.

Then you go rushing about the house, opening all the windows, setting up fans, and generally doing everything short of calling the fire department.

Let the guests sit for about 1/2 hour at 50 degrees (as a result of opening the windows) and serve the food.

By this point, you have established expectations in your guests' minds that you can't fail to exceed!
It's nice to be Important, but Important to be nice.
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