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Re: Jokes

Postby Westmorland » Thu Nov 08, 2012 7:22 pm

Cameron: "I look forward to working with Obama for the next four years."

2 years Dave, 2 years.
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Deodorants

Postby loftyhermes » Wed Nov 14, 2012 7:34 pm

I bought a new stick deodorant today,
The instructions said Push Up Bottom,
Now I can hardly walk,
But every time I fart the room smells beautiful.
Me slow??? I get up in the morning with nothing to do and go to bed at night with half of it done.
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Re: Jokes

Postby whitevanman » Sat Nov 24, 2012 9:54 pm

All my life I’ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
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Re: Jokes

Postby whitevanman » Sat Nov 24, 2012 9:55 pm

An elderly gentleman went to the local chemist’s and asked for some Viagra. The chemist said, “That’s no problem. How many do you want?”

The old man answered, “Just a few, maybe four, but cut each one in four pieces.”

The chemist said, “That won’t do you any good.”

The old man replied, “That’s all right. I don’t need them for sex any more. I am eighty-three years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don’t p*** on my shoes.”
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Re: Jokes

Postby whitevanman » Sat Nov 24, 2012 9:56 pm

A ventriloquist is touring the pubs and clubs in London. One night he’s doing a show in a small venue above a pub in the West End. He’s going through his usual routine with his dummy on his knee, reciting some dumb blonde jokes.

The show is going well and the audience seem to be enjoying themselves, until a blonde woman stands on her chair and starts heckling.

“I’ve had enough of you and your stupid blonde jokes. What gives you the right to disrespect blonde women like that? What does the colour of a woman’s hair have to do with her intelligence or her worth as a human being? It’s people like you who keep people like me from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to stereotype not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humour!”

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde interrupts, “You stay out of this! I’m talking to that little ******* on your knee!”
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Re: Jokes

Postby whitevanman » Sat Nov 24, 2012 9:58 pm

I went to the pub last night and saw a big girl dancing on a table.

I said to her, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now. "
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Re: Jokes

Postby whitevanman » Sat Nov 24, 2012 9:59 pm

Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him "Do you want the

winner of the next race ?"

Paddy replies "No tanks, I've only got a small garden."
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Re: Jokes

Postby Westmorland » Tue Jan 15, 2013 11:51 pm

new tesco burgers: low in fat,high in shergar
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Re: Jokes

Postby mikkimack » Sun Jan 20, 2013 11:23 pm

what do you get when you cross an elephant with a mouse ???

VERY big holes in the skirting boards..!!! :roll: :roll: :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Postby mikkimack » Sun Jan 20, 2013 11:23 pm

what do you get when you cross an elephant with a mouse ???

VERY big holes in the skirting boards..!!! :roll: :roll: :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Postby mikkimack » Sun Jan 20, 2013 11:24 pm

what do you get when you cross an elephant with a mouse ???

VERY big holes in the skirting boards..!!! :roll: :roll: :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Postby whitevanman » Sun Feb 10, 2013 10:11 pm

Just been to the doctors and he's told me that i've got to watch what i eat, so i've just booked tickets for the Grand National.

Horse walks into a bar, the barman says, sorry mate we don't serve food in here.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Westmorland » Sat Mar 09, 2013 10:50 pm

I went to my first ever Lib Dem swingers party yesterday.

We all put our car keys in a bowl, then swapped points.
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Re: Jokes

Postby whitevanman » Sun Mar 10, 2013 9:43 pm

Been watching episodes of Most Haunted on channel 537 this week. Each time i watched though i couldn't help wondering whats on the other side.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Westmorland » Fri Mar 22, 2013 7:50 pm

I was hungover this morning so phoned work and said to the boss, "I'm afraid I won't be in today, my father had a massive heart attack and died last night."

"That was your last chance Dave," he replied. "I'm taking the '& son' off the shop sign."
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