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Re: Jokes

Postby loftyhermes » Thu Mar 08, 2012 4:24 pm

A group of 40-year-old buddies discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because the waitresses there have low-cut blouses and really short skirts.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because the food there is very good and the wine selection is excellent.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke-free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because the restaurant is wheelchair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because everyone's heard it's good and they've never been there before.
Me slow??? I get up in the morning with nothing to do and go to bed at night with half of it done.
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Re: Jokes

Postby whitevanman » Fri Mar 30, 2012 7:59 pm

Channel Four have announced a new reality show for millionaires only.

Cam Dine With Me
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Re: Jokes

Postby whitevanman » Fri Mar 30, 2012 8:00 pm

John received a free ticket to the Super Bowl. Unfortunately. John's seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the stadium. He noticed an empty seat 10 rows up from the 50-yard line. He decides to make his way to the empty seat. As he sits down he asks the man next to him if anyone is sitting there. The man told him no, it was empty. John is very excited to have a seat like this at a Super Bowl and asks why in the world no one is using it? The man replied that it was his wife's seat but she passed away. He said this was the first Super Bowl that they have not attended together since they were married in 1968. John said that it was really sad and asked if he couldn't find someone, a relative or a close friend to take the seat?

"No" replied the man, "They're at her funeral!"
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Re: Jokes

Postby BorisTechMark2 » Sun May 20, 2012 9:38 pm

A old man and his wife are just on there way to bed, and the old man visits the toilet.

While the man the wife hears the man say

"Please stay up... oh come on! Please stay up!!"

And the wife is very curious and waits outside getting excited and then hears

"Just stay up"

The wife takes off all her clothes as just hears her husband telling it to stay up... then the toilet flushes and the man says

"oh now you stay up"

and the wife giggles and rushes into the toilet naked, and her husband turns round and says

"I really need to fix that bloody toilet seat."
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Re: Jokes

Postby whitevanman » Wed May 30, 2012 9:51 pm

The Irish team currently exploring the Titanic were amazed, that after 100 years, the swimming pool was still full.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Digger » Wed Jun 06, 2012 9:12 pm

My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.

Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital A&E.
The doctor there got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).

Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......
I just never saw one mounted and framed."
I wish I was fishing
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Re: Jokes

Postby BorisTechMark2 » Sat Jun 23, 2012 4:01 pm

I was sitting in my car outside the Parish Council Chairmans house when he approached me and said, "Everyday for the past week, I've noticed you sitting here, are you stalking me or something?"

"Don't flatter yourself," I replied, "I've been using your Internet connection
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Re: Jokes

Postby Westmorland » Sat Jul 28, 2012 7:51 pm

Having watched the London 2012 Opening Ceremony, I must say...

I've seen better Bond girls.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Westmorland » Sat Jul 28, 2012 10:25 pm

I was in Nisa earlier when a sales assistant approached me.

"Where are your deodorants?" I asked.

"Over here" she replied. "Are you looking for a ball one?"

"Nah, just for my armpits thanks".
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Re: Jokes

Postby moanersRus » Sat Jul 28, 2012 10:47 pm

Adrian Hardy wrote:I was in Nisa earlier when a sales assistant approached me.

"Where are your deodorants?" I asked.

"Over here" she replied. "Are you looking for a ball one?"

"Nah, just for my armpits thanks".


Thats cheesy
Of all the things i've lost, i miss my mind the most
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Re: Jokes

Postby Westmorland » Sun Aug 05, 2012 7:48 pm

I have just been told an excellent Olympic Joke
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Re: Jokes

Postby m8tey » Sun Aug 05, 2012 10:32 pm

Just been watching Olympics ladies beach volleyball. There's already been a wrist injury. But I should be ok by tomorrow morning...... :oops:
TRY IT YOU MIGHT LIKE IT
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Re: Jokes

Postby loftyhermes » Mon Oct 29, 2012 6:19 pm

Hers is your first Halloween joke.

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'



'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.


Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself! this is going to hurt !! !! !












'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'
Me slow??? I get up in the morning with nothing to do and go to bed at night with half of it done.
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Re: Jokes

Postby BigAl » Mon Oct 29, 2012 6:38 pm

AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Screw the padded room, give me a trampoline floor with bubble wrapped walls and a velcro ceiling.
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A kind hearted Scotsman

Postby loftyhermes » Sun Nov 04, 2012 4:56 pm

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.
"Did you smell that food ?" she asked. "Incredible !"
Being a 'Kind Hearted Scotsman', he thought, "What the heck..., I'll treat her !"







So, they walked past it again
Me slow??? I get up in the morning with nothing to do and go to bed at night with half of it done.
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