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Postby Jacqualine » Tue May 09, 2006 10:59 pm

A great fruit cake recipie

You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky.

Sample the whisky to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to bed.
It's nice to be Important, but Important to be nice.
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David Beckham

Postby loftyhermes » Sun May 14, 2006 10:27 am

David Beckham speaking at a press conference "I like them because they taste good and make my breath smell nice"
At which point a reporter stood up and shouted "TACTICS you thick b***ard"
Me slow??? I get up in the morning with nothing to do and go to bed at night with half of it done.
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Postby whitevanman » Sun May 14, 2006 11:42 am

While on the David Beckham theme try these out

These are genuine quotes from the man himself

"My parents have always been there for me, ever since i was about 7"

"Alex Ferguson is the best manager i have ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager i've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager iv'e ever had"

"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened,but i don't know into what religion yet"

Just to show that he is not on his own in the little grey matter department,
just a couple more from other footballers.

"I couldn't settle in Italy it was like living in another country"
IAN RUSH

"One accusation you can't throw at me is that i have always done my best"
ALAN SHEARER

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona"
MARK DRAPER

But back to DB

Posh is trying to reverse her Ferrari out of the drive,but accidently catches the side of the car on one of the gate posts, and makes a big dent in the side of the car.
Worried that Becks will see the damage and give her a good spanking (she's on a modelling assignment and dos'nt want the red marks to show), she takes it down to the nearest garage to have it fixed.
The workshop lads thought they would have a laugh, and told her all she had to do was blow down the exhaust pipe and that would blow the dent out.
David arrives home and finds her with her gob round the exhaust pipe blowing for Britain.
He asks her what she is doing, so she has to explain what as happened and what she as been told.
David looks round and says "That will never work"
Posh replies "WHY"
He replies

"You've left the windows open you stupid cow"
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Postby loftyhermes » Tue Jun 20, 2006 2:40 pm

Night clubbers in Lancashire have taken to using dental syringes to inject Ecstasy directly into their mouths. This dangerous practice is known as "E by gum".
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Postby whitevanman » Thu Jul 13, 2006 9:49 pm

loftyhermes wrote:Night clubbers in Lancashire have taken to using dental syringes to inject Ecstasy directly into their mouths. This dangerous practice is known as "E by gum".


The same clubbers have also started using viagra eye drops.

It dosn't make them see any better but it makes them look hard.
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Postby whitevanman » Fri Sep 08, 2006 8:42 pm

A fire in the Whitehouse Presidential libary, today , appears to have destroyed both books.
A whitehouse spokesperson said that President Bush was distraught. He had not even finished colouring the second one
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Postby loftyhermes » Sat Sep 09, 2006 7:52 pm

An Australian sun cream lotion company has had to cancel it's latest adverts featuring Steve Irwin because they stated it kept out harmful rays.
Last edited by loftyhermes on Sat Sep 16, 2006 1:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Tomas Drouty » Sat Sep 09, 2006 8:45 pm

Wondered how long it would be before somebody started making jokes up :roll: :roll: :roll:
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Postby whitevanman » Sat Sep 09, 2006 9:47 pm

Lofty, stop making barbed comments :)
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Postby La Fiama » Fri Sep 15, 2006 10:33 pm

What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common?

PM me for the answer as I will be moderated if I post it
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Postby snickersneeze » Fri Sep 15, 2006 10:44 pm

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Postby loftyhermes » Wed Sep 27, 2006 1:40 pm

Engineers Patrick and Seamus ( Dublin mechanical engineers) were
Standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. We're supposed to find the height of the Flagpole," said Patrick "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid The pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "5 metres," and walked away.

Seamus shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
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Postby La Fiama » Tue Nov 07, 2006 11:05 pm

A man returned home with a terrible bout of wind, as he walked through the door, his wife said she had got a surprise for him, before dinner but he needed to be blind folded first. She blindfolded him and led him into the dinning room and made him sit at the table, she said she would be back in a few minutes but not to take off the blind fold.

He couldn't hold back the wind any longer and there was suddenly an enormous roar as he let one rip, then the wind got worse and he let two off within seconds of each other and then finally before his wife walked back in he let on another almighty roar.

His wife walked back into the room and took off the blind fold and there seated around the table were six dinner guests :lol:
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the Bono question..........

Postby loftyhermes » Thu Nov 23, 2006 6:55 pm

Thought musical folk might appreciate this:


At a U2 concert in Glasgow, Bono asked the audience for some quiet.
Then in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands.

Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone

Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies
A voice from near the front pierced the silence............









.............."Well, stop f**king doing it then."
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Postby m8tey » Thu Nov 23, 2006 8:42 pm

An American gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to an Iranian lady.

He sees her Iranian passport and strikes up a conversation.

"So tell me," he says, "why does a country like Iran - with so much oil and gas - need a nuclear programme?"

The Iranian lady looks at him, a little puzzled.

"That's an interesting question," she says. "But let me ask you something first.

A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff...grass.

Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty and the horse produces muffins of dried poop.

Why do you suppose that is?

The American guy is dumbfounded.

Finally he replies: "I haven't the slightest idea."

"Oh, I see," says the Iranian, "so how is it you feel qualified to discuss Iran's nuclear programme when you don't know s**t?"
TRY IT YOU MIGHT LIKE IT
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